Going to work with baby poop on my pants.
A fight with my husband.
A struggle of wills with my daughter.
Another day of poop on my clothes (this time bad enough to go home and change).
The silent treatment.
Stress of a birthday party.
My baby turning one.
A baby that won't let me put him down.
Stress over money.
Questioning changes that I made thinking they would help my family.
Struggling with finding balance.
Struggling with doing anything.
I sound like a depressed person. Sometimes I wonder if I am. Sometimes I just want to curl up for a good cry or a good book that makes me cry and block out the world. Sometimes I want to scream and throw things because I am horrible at expressing myself majority of the time. I just get frustrated I can not get the correct words out. I fail every day. Multiple times a day.
Last night a friend shared the following blog that made me cry while reading several of her posts. The first one 'Maybe Your Two-Year Old Just Needs You'. Get ready for the waterworks Ladies (and maybe gentlemen).
'I know you’re about worn out, and most days, bedtime can’t come soon enough. You need a break or you feel like you will lose. your. mind. Seriously, I know. But let me tell you, it hurts to lie down next to your baby and realize just how much you missed the ball when it came to her needs. It hurts when you remember how you thought you needed to discipline her when really, she just needed you to lie down and cuddle and comfort.'
That passage is what got me. I don't know if what I feel is just mom guilt or if I am just crappy most of the time. I wrote a letter to Hunter the other day, trying to rationalize myself maybe? Stop and smell roses (and hope I don't get stung). Boy, that was negative. Maybe it is the rain, maybe it is all those thoughts listed above.
I have so much to be thankful for, I do really love my life and my family. A few things I have witnessed since working for a school has brought me to tears. My heart breaks for some of those children. Things I had just heard about before, I now have witnessed. I KNOW I am a good mom, but like I said I fail a lot and I struggle with that. Everyone wants to be perfect but I need to work on not stretching myself. Maybe not try to multi task so much, make more lists. Visuals are always good right? Help you feel accomplished?
Snuggles.
Pudgy baby legs.
Baby giggles.
Toddler laughs.
Hearing conversation between Father and Daughter.
Hearing 'arguments' between Brother & Sister.
Sweet hugs.
Mommy, I want hugs.
Kisses.
I love you most Mom.
Those are little things I treasure, that make my heart feel so full it could burst. Those are always things that make me feel guilty. This is normal Kayla. I try to tell myself this often. With all the blogs I have read, I should not let mom guilt get to me.
...As I was typing the above, my Hunny B woke up and came to cuddle. Just let me hold her. I breathed it in, her smell, the sweetness, because I know, soon she won't want that. I hope she doesn't grow out of it for many years though. When she is tired she usually asks, 'Mommy, will you hold me?' Do I ever say no? Do I just suffice her with a arm on her back or do I really hold her? Wrap both my arms around her? Let her snuggle in close or as long as she wants? Sarah Mae's blog post has given me reason to not turn her down at all. Littles are a fleeting time, I need to enjoy them more, try to breathe them in more, to not stress about this house, about money, about the fifty other things that run through my mind. There might never be a time my house is perfectly clean, but there will be a time where there are no longer baby toys scattered everywhere, a time where cheerios will not be smashed into the carpet, a time where I don't have to worry about putting up all the laundry (though I definitely welcome the last one!). Motherhood is a joyous journey, but it is also hard and that's okay too.
A fight with my husband.
A struggle of wills with my daughter.
Another day of poop on my clothes (this time bad enough to go home and change).
The silent treatment.
Stress of a birthday party.
My baby turning one.
A baby that won't let me put him down.
Stress over money.
Questioning changes that I made thinking they would help my family.
Struggling with finding balance.
Struggling with doing anything.
I sound like a depressed person. Sometimes I wonder if I am. Sometimes I just want to curl up for a good cry or a good book that makes me cry and block out the world. Sometimes I want to scream and throw things because I am horrible at expressing myself majority of the time. I just get frustrated I can not get the correct words out. I fail every day. Multiple times a day.
Last night a friend shared the following blog that made me cry while reading several of her posts. The first one 'Maybe Your Two-Year Old Just Needs You'. Get ready for the waterworks Ladies (and maybe gentlemen).
'I know you’re about worn out, and most days, bedtime can’t come soon enough. You need a break or you feel like you will lose. your. mind. Seriously, I know. But let me tell you, it hurts to lie down next to your baby and realize just how much you missed the ball when it came to her needs. It hurts when you remember how you thought you needed to discipline her when really, she just needed you to lie down and cuddle and comfort.'
That passage is what got me. I don't know if what I feel is just mom guilt or if I am just crappy most of the time. I wrote a letter to Hunter the other day, trying to rationalize myself maybe? Stop and smell roses (and hope I don't get stung). Boy, that was negative. Maybe it is the rain, maybe it is all those thoughts listed above.
I have so much to be thankful for, I do really love my life and my family. A few things I have witnessed since working for a school has brought me to tears. My heart breaks for some of those children. Things I had just heard about before, I now have witnessed. I KNOW I am a good mom, but like I said I fail a lot and I struggle with that. Everyone wants to be perfect but I need to work on not stretching myself. Maybe not try to multi task so much, make more lists. Visuals are always good right? Help you feel accomplished?
Pudgy baby legs.
Baby giggles.
Toddler laughs.
Hearing conversation between Father and Daughter.
Hearing 'arguments' between Brother & Sister.
Sweet hugs.
Mommy, I want hugs.
Kisses.
I love you most Mom.
Those are little things I treasure, that make my heart feel so full it could burst. Those are always things that make me feel guilty. This is normal Kayla. I try to tell myself this often. With all the blogs I have read, I should not let mom guilt get to me.
...As I was typing the above, my Hunny B woke up and came to cuddle. Just let me hold her. I breathed it in, her smell, the sweetness, because I know, soon she won't want that. I hope she doesn't grow out of it for many years though. When she is tired she usually asks, 'Mommy, will you hold me?' Do I ever say no? Do I just suffice her with a arm on her back or do I really hold her? Wrap both my arms around her? Let her snuggle in close or as long as she wants? Sarah Mae's blog post has given me reason to not turn her down at all. Littles are a fleeting time, I need to enjoy them more, try to breathe them in more, to not stress about this house, about money, about the fifty other things that run through my mind. There might never be a time my house is perfectly clean, but there will be a time where there are no longer baby toys scattered everywhere, a time where cheerios will not be smashed into the carpet, a time where I don't have to worry about putting up all the laundry (though I definitely welcome the last one!). Motherhood is a joyous journey, but it is also hard and that's okay too.
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